4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
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There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall