4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
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How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!