6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
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Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
shit just got real
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Don’t we all.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”