40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
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There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.