[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
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My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I just really hate it when people start assuming things.nnnJust like my boss he assumes that I’m working just because I came to work today.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him