@lazerdoov

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

@KarenKilgariff

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

@iwearaonesie

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

@Zoozich

I just really hate it when people start assuming things.nnnJust like my boss he assumes that I’m working just because I came to work today.

@causticbob

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

@MaryJustice86

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

@callingCQ

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

@ToskaXxx

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors