40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
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Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Incredible customer service.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.