40 years later:
– Grandpa, sing me a song of your youth.
– Oppa Gangnam Style. Opp, opp, opp, opp!

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“Anybody here named Jeff?”
Jeff: “Yes”
Geoff: “Yeos”


I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.


*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip


For every person pleased at meeting their TC in real life. Another 762 are climbing out of bathroom windows and smashing their phone.


As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.


EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon


[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.


I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.


Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.


Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi