“Anybody here named Jeff?”
40 years later:
– Grandpa, sing me a song of your youth.
– Oppa Gangnam Style. Opp, opp, opp, opp!
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I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
For every person pleased at meeting their TC in real life. Another 762 are climbing out of bathroom windows and smashing their phone.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[kisses daughter goodnight]
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi