FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
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I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where