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So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted