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He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.