Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
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me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I created you as mosquito food.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.