@NrouteHQ

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

@TheAlexNevil

Parents, then: Would it kill you to pick up the phone?

Parents, now: Would it kill you to put down the phone?

@david8hughes

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

@PaperWash

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

@scarebro

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

@RuthePhoenix

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

@Manali_Shetye5

{Stalker Diary}
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

@AlisonChrista

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”