@NrouteHQ

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

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@wildethingy

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

@hythemafia

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
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@weinerdog4life

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

@truegritrumble

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

@neiltyson

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

@Home_Halfway

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

@WilliamAder

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

@Buffalojilll

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.