Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
~ gas pumps
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Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Parents, then: Would it kill you to pick up the phone?
Parents, now: Would it kill you to put down the phone?
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”