~ gas pumps

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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.


How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12


Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying


INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.


Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.


Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.


Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.


There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.