44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
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*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Taco Bell, Exit 22
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am