Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
@funTweeters I am at your service….
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad