@AsgardianRose: 48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [gathers around casket and see's it's full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means [grandma's body is being dumped over the winning coach]
@KeetPotato: me: [whispers] "don't tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster" my wife: [getting out car] "what the hell happened?!" all 6 firemen: "he made bacon in the toaster"
@yourbizsucks: I was best man at my friend's 2nd wedding. I started my speech with "welcome back everyone" he was not happy #weddingfail