48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

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This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.


[leaving couples therapy]
*whispers to therapist* so who won?


My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”


Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway


Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.


I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.


An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.



INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.


I’m gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it’d atleast be a little funny.


I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected

This economy is ruthless.