48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.