@AsgardianRose

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

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@MiahSaint

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

@DaddyJew

[leaving couples therapy]
*whispers to therapist* so who won?

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

@T_Bonezzz

Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

@IdanBenBarak

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

@Bry_Mac

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

@sofarrsogud

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

@OVO_Ty15

I’m gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it’d atleast be a little funny.

@fsuflores

I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected

This economy is ruthless.