Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys
[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Advertised as a “Cougar Cruise”
Reality – Weight loss cruise where live cougars are released & you spend your vacation fleeing large cats
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
(bank drive thru)
Me: *puts deposit through pneumatic tube
Banker: This is a can of Pringles
Me: Yes, savings please