@AsgardianRose

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

@IvoryGazelle

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

@librarianfonz

My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn’t matter to anyone else.

@Crunk_Jews

This drunk guy in the mirror thinks he can beat me in a dance off but I totally embarrassed him in front of the whole women’s bathroom.

@realHamOnWry

If you’re lost in the forest start talking about politics. Someone is sure to show up to argue with you.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

@calamitydaisy

I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.

@archerenemy

OK, so you caught me bangin’ the peanut butter jar…

Don’t make it weird…