@AsgardianRose

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

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@Sophie2078

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

@rocknthepurple

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

@Lisa_Laughs_

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

@spikeWilton67

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

@ArfMeasures

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

@Midgetspar

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

@Mr_Kapowski

Advertised as a “Cougar Cruise”

Reality – Weight loss cruise where live cougars are released & you spend your vacation fleeing large cats

@hatehug

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

@ThaJawn

(bank drive thru)

Me: *puts deposit through pneumatic tube

Banker: This is a can of Pringles

Me: Yes, savings please