48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

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Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.


[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly


My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn’t matter to anyone else.


This drunk guy in the mirror thinks he can beat me in a dance off but I totally embarrassed him in front of the whole women’s bathroom.


If you’re lost in the forest start talking about politics. Someone is sure to show up to argue with you.


Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”


I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.


OK, so you caught me bangin’ the peanut butter jar…

Don’t make it weird…