4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
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No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My first son he is wonderful
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes