If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
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How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.