4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
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ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Lmaoo 😂
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?