4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
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my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
respect
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.