You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
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You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.