@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

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@RichHarris2

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

@SpicyGinger69

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

@myonlymizztake

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

@iwearaonesie

complaining about your wife’s stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories

@TheAlexNevil

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

@dj_raleigh

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

@HomeWithPeanut

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

@jwoodham

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

@BradBroaddus

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

@Book_Krazy

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok