@JCautomatic

*4yo comes in from garden with worm*

Wife: TAKE IT AWAY!!!

*4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*

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@joeljeffrey

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

@fabulouscop

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

@donni

Slowly, Waldo’s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together

@david8hughes

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

@McNevich

Hi guys! Nick is very handsome and an amazing cook. Are there any nice girls interested inMOM GET OFF MY TWITTER YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING

@joshy_beck

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.