I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
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[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses