*4yo comes in from garden with worm*


*4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*

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I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.


what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings


Slowly, Waldo’s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together


[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”


Hi guys! Nick is very handsome and an amazing cook. Are there any nice girls interested inMOM GET OFF MY TWITTER YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING


There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.