4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
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Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’