People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
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eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Dentist: Do you use your dental floss?
[cut to me tying my action figures to make them fly]
[making small talk at a party]
Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”
5 year plan?
I havent even planned this sentence volcano.