4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.


eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading


Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]


You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.


Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today


And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.


Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.


Dentist: Do you use your dental floss?

[cut to me tying my action figures to make them fly]

Me: Everyday.


[making small talk at a party]

Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”