@3sunzzz

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

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@liz_buckley

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

@ellewasamistake

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

@NurseSeymour

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

@junejuly12

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

@BigBagOfScum

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

@HomeWithPeanut

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

@The_JRM

Dentist: Do you use your dental floss?

[cut to me tying my action figures to make them fly]

Me: Everyday.

@Dawn_M_

[making small talk at a party]

Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”