4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
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Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Who knew!
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.