One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
4yo doctor visit:
Doc: no more than 30 mins for 4yo on the iPad. I’d rather he play with mud.
Me: where do u download mud?
You Might Also Like
Facebook game requests are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the Internet
Counselor: Why do you resent your wife
Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix
M: Something about her water breaking
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I assume whenever I leave a room Oompa Loompas show up and teach everyone a valuable life lesson in song form around the mistakes I’ve made.
*catches a pretty girl’s eye
*puts it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other eyes I’ve collected
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.