@KimJungilSpirit

4yo doctor visit:

Doc: no more than 30 mins for 4yo on the iPad. I’d rather he play with mud.

Me: ..
Wife:..

Me: where do u download mud?

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@daemonic3

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

@McNevich

Facebook game requests are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the Internet

@gruffybeard

Counselor: Why do you resent your wife

Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix

C: Why

M: Something about her water breaking

@JediGigi

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

@10kbabyspiders

I assume whenever I leave a room Oompa Loompas show up and teach everyone a valuable life lesson in song form around the mistakes I’ve made.

@drinksmcgee

*catches a pretty girl’s eye
*puts it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other eyes I’ve collected

@skittle624

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

@rickygervais

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

@thequeensheart

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.