4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
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One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺