You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
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It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I mean…but I did
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Bartenders are just boneless bars
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
It’s the weekend y’all
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches