@Just_Lee_

4yo has repeated one word for an hour. 6yo is ninja fighting his imaginary friend.

My move to a mental asylum will be an easy transition.

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@Sophie2078

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

@ericsshadow

7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*

Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.

@wolfpupy

first you light 100 candles, then you fall asleep. this ‘burn your house down’ spell works every time

@TheDairylandDon

A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.

@DurtMcHurtt

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

@bartandsoul

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

@WheelTod

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

@stevevsninjas

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?