If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
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You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do