4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
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Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
me 2 months after i graduated
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business