4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
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Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Me if I was a dog
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.