4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

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*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now


I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.


Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?


Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”


My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.


I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.


Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap


Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!


ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.