[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges
Me: And how is my eraser?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
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FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Rose: I’m so cold.
Jack: Listen, Rose. You’re gonna get out of here, you’re gonna go on and- fine, you can have my damn hoodie
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Be the first thought on her mind when she wakes up & the last before she sleeps… unless she’s plotting your murder… then don’t be that.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”