@mastrap84

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

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@ArfMeasures

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

@Sickayduh

Rose: I’m so cold.

Jack: Listen, Rose. You’re gonna get out of here, you’re gonna go on and- fine, you can have my damn hoodie

@OhYeahILied

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

@clichedout

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

@xLiserx

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.

@Tmoney68

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

@drinksmcgee

Be the first thought on her mind when she wakes up & the last before she sleeps… unless she’s plotting your murder… then don’t be that.

@anerdonfire2

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

@erikbransteen

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”