4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
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After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker