4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
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3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
This is Sparta
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies