4YO: “So Santa comes down the chimney, into our house, while we’re all sleeping?”

ME: “Yup.”

4YO: “And we’re all just okay with that?”

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12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?



Me: No.


The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT


Everyone dies of *something*. For example, this man is about to die from buying the last box of Thin Mints in front of me in the cookie line


interviewer: why do you want this job
me: i’ve just always been very passionate about not starving to death


4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy


i used to be good at math but then i finished 1st grade


I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.


I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.