*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?


Parenting is hard.

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Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.


My boyfriend got pissed because I didn’t swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?


The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too


How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?


I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.



Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
I guess I’m dying in a fire.


ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?


ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker


[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.


I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.