Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
Parenting is hard.
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My boyfriend got pissed because I didn’t swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers
And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
felt cute might bury dad later idk
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.
We’re on the 12th floor…
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.