@FeralCrone

4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant.

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@PaulyPeligroso

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

@dorsalstream

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

@Ristolable

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

@Jake_Vig

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

@3sunzzz

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

@AmishPornStar1

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

@dafloydsta

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

@LindaInDisguise

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

@PhuckinCody

BANK ROBBER: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

ME: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no