If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant.
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HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
BANK ROBBER: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
ME: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no