Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
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Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with “If you’re reading this, I’m already dead.”
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
we put a man on the moon but we can’t keep him there. he keeps coming back. you stay on the moon. you stay there.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
ME: Green Lobster!
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…