@FatherWithTwins

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

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@hanizzle

Him: I’m going to call you at 12

Me at 12:01 : All men do is lie

@DVSblast

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

@eedrk

spraypainting “CHEATER” on my car to make it look like im sexually active

@LostFelicia

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

@lazy_joe_

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

@dog_feelings

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

@lawbsterfest

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

@zachv86

i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”

@badbanana

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.