Him: I’m going to call you at 12
Me at 12:01 : All men do is lie
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
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its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
spraypainting “CHEATER” on my car to make it look like im sexually active
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Better names for porcupines:
i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.