*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
4yo: What happened to the fish?
Me: It drowned.
4yo: Must have been a really stupid fish.
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Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.
Thyme wounds all heels.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Technically it’s only Katy Perry if it’s made from pears. Otherwise it’s just Catherine Cider.
I still get my ‘drive-throughs’ & ‘drive-bys’ mixed up. Which is the one where I have to take a gun?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
jobs are for girls who can’t sell their bath water