We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
You Might Also Like
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now