Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
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Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Same pineapple, same
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.