4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
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[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Liquor Store Parking
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser