4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
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Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda