4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
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“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
What kind of a cult is this?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.