5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
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Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck