5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
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Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
#FunnyLife Insects
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.