my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
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my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Breakfast for Stoners:
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody