Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
You Might Also Like
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.