@momsense_ensues

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

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@dtee83

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

@robfee

If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.

@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

@DurtMcHurtt

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

@neiltyson

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

@noodlegrip

[First date]
Her:

Me: [thinking girls like responsibility] I’ve got a license

Her:

Me: [but also danger] to kill

Her:

Me: [but not red flags] ducks

Her: [secretly two ducks in a little black dress] *nervously puts down one of the never ending breadsticks*

@5ive_zw

sibling relationships are wierd.i can give you my kidney but im not getting you a glass of water.

@genehunter1

My Christian friend asked 4 proof there is no God.nnI pointed out Adam Sandler is a multimillionaire movie starnnNow my friend’s an atheist