5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
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My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire