5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

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Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.


If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.


‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”


The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.


Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero


[First date]

Me: [thinking girls like responsibility] I’ve got a license


Me: [but also danger] to kill


Me: [but not red flags] ducks

Her: [secretly two ducks in a little black dress] *nervously puts down one of the never ending breadsticks*


sibling relationships are wierd.i can give you my kidney but im not getting you a glass of water.


My Christian friend asked 4 proof there is no God.nnI pointed out Adam Sandler is a multimillionaire movie starnnNow my friend’s an atheist