@Bizarro_Mark

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

You Might Also Like

@GensPlace

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

@Tuna_Lover

I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.

@PaperWash

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

@GrowlyGrego

*breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I’M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?

@Ms_Moneypenny_

Who says you can’t make someone love you?

I’ve got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.

@JT_IV_

Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in “The Plunger Games”.

@Pizza_Suplex

Got a new job as a night guard at the crime warehouse. I’m sitting here watching Looney Tunes on a tiny tube TV and laughing super hard at it. And yeah, I’m eating a big sandwich. I gotta be the luckiest guy in the world.

@TheCiscoKidder

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

@CheeseDaydreams

Let’s be honest, if I were to time travel to medieval Europe, I’d drink all the mead, and then promptly forget what I was there to do

@simoncholland

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.