5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
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12. I think about this all the damn time
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
“I’m helping” 😅
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on