5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
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*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor