Snake: Okay what
Caterpillar: *grows wings*
Snake: OKAY WHAT
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
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“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Me: So, Construction?
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
M: Like to screw?
M: Hey! Where are you going?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.