@dadmann_walking

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

You Might Also Like

@BobTheSuit

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

@MarcusTheToken

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

@prufrockluvsong

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

@ShellHasDragons

If it burns when you pee, you need to be eating less firewood.

It’s science

@debon7

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

@existentialcoms

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

@samdunsiger

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.