5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?



5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name


It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.


What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?


I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.


My 3 yr old’s idea of comedic timing is waiting till we’re at least 10 minutes away from house to tell me he’s not wearing any shoes.


[Sunday morning]

Me: Finally a day I can sleep in

Birds: We’ll see about that lol


No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.


shaggy: i can’t believe we ate all the chocolate scoob


shaggy: scoob?


Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao