5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
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When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.