@dadmann_walking

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

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@meganamram

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

@shariv67

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

@Molly_Kats

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

@Wanderlust6190

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

@gabeserra

My 3 yr old’s idea of comedic timing is waiting till we’re at least 10 minutes away from house to tell me he’s not wearing any shoes.

@SardonicTart

[Sunday morning]

Me: Finally a day I can sleep in

Birds: We’ll see about that lol

@dreamthievin

No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.

@Skoog

shaggy: i can’t believe we ate all the chocolate scoob

scooby:

shaggy: scoob?

@EllaZee5

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao