@dadmann_walking

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

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@pleatedjeans

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

@thejessbess

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

@yalljust_myfans

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

@PresTightrhymes

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

@StarWarsProblms

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

@PinkCamoTO

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

@castabignet

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

@JJSummertime

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?