5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
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I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
guys I’m going home
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
nyc:
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads