@dadmann_walking

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

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@junejuly12

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

@Tmoney68

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

@VeggieMonger

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

@Darlainky

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

@RSF788

The best reply to “I love you” is “Well that’s a terrible idea.”

@prufrockluvsong

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

@hammbone84

Neighbor: I always see your kids outside but hardly ever see you out there.

Me: Oh, that’s because my doors lock from the inside.

@PanicRestroom

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

@mattZillaaaa

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

@_Enanem_

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.