@PopSlapFunk

5: “Dad, to be the man of the house, you need to wear pants.”

Me: …

5: …

Me: “It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. Job’s all yours.”

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@themiltron

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

@Dani_Feld

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

@KylePlantEmoji

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

@jkstills

*takes call from mom*

*puts mom on speaker*

*cleans entire house*

@Havish_AF

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

@CruisinSoozan

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

@E_lok44

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

@dannyboy7813

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

@leifromloihi

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever