every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
5: “Dad, to be the man of the house, you need to wear pants.”
Me: “It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. Job’s all yours.”
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LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*takes call from mom*
*puts mom on speaker*
*cleans entire house*
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever