hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
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Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
September in New England: what a beautiful season, it’s amazing to see how vibrant nature can be as the warm respite of summer gives way to the elegant cool of autumn
November in New England: maybe if I get lucky that old dead maple will fall on me and kill me
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
inventor of acupuncture playing with a voodoo doll: ? ???? ?? ?? ???? ???? ???? ??????
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.