5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
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Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Happy birthday to all the women
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”