@DaddyJew

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

You Might Also Like

@randygdub

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

@AnOrangeSNES

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

@portmanteauface

September in New England: what a beautiful season, it’s amazing to see how vibrant nature can be as the warm respite of summer gives way to the elegant cool of autumn

November in New England: maybe if I get lucky that old dead maple will fall on me and kill me

@ObscureGent

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

@daddydoubts

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

@bricheeseyy

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

@Cycloptomese

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

@Fred_Delicious

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

@KissabiX

inventor of acupuncture playing with a voodoo doll: ? ???? ?? ?? ???? ???? ???? ??????

@AngryRaccoon2

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.