5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
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“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed